All things seek to return to their own path, and all things rejoice in coming back to their nature. The only law over things is that the ending should be joined to the beginning making the course of itself stable.  Consolation of Philosophy, Boethius (477-524 C.E.), trans by Thomas Powers. PARABOLA Summer 2019.  90.

At age nine I was serving Mass in a village in Northern Ireland and the thought crossed my mind, “I want to be a priest.” I had no idea what a priest did then, nor did any of us have any idea as to the twists and turns social and religious life would take throughout the sixties. I attended catholic school and boarding school. Girls left me alone as the priest told them “he has a vocation.” I didn’t know he did that till much later.

I had no idea that the environment in which I was formed was unhealthy. I didn’t care for the controls but they seemed to be within the norms of other families in the community. While other boys got caught, I learned how to be perceived as “squeeky clean and upright.” I knew that the path I was creating was not the one my soul wished for me to be on and that was why confession was created. Weekly confession made all things right.

Then came college, seminary, my first drink and, simultaneously, my first blackout. Ordination to the priesthood, more blackouts. Some of my students in Religious Ed confided in me about their experiences on LSD. I began to read and learn all I could about drugs even as I kept a few fifths in a drawer “for when friends came by.”  It was my belief that alcoholic clergy drank alone. I was given opportunities to take courses in addiction and I felt sorry for those who were addicted and those who were on Methadone. While I was working with these folks, I prided myself that I did not have a problem. Meanwhile, I was in denial that I was at war with self, others and God. God was not fighting with me. God was more like a lifeguard pushing me into calm and shallow waters to get my feet under me. Thus, treatment, aftercare, continued denial and a four and a half year long dry drunk.

Were I to step outside myself and observe my behavior, I would say that I had been crying out for help all my life.  St. Augustine said, “You have made us for yourself O Lord, and our hearts are restless till they rest in you.”  There is no question, I was “Restless, Irritable, and Discontent.”

Then came the day of awakening—the experience of an awareness of sobriety. Something happened and I had a spiritual awakening. I actually felt happy. I felt a feeling that made a difference to me that some thirty -seven years later, remains as fresh in my mind as the day it happened. “All things rejoice in coming back to their nature.” All my life I was taught I was born in/with original sin. No. I was born in/with an original blessing, made in the image and likeness of God. My spiritual awakening was an awareness that I was returning to that place of blessing,

“The only law over things is that the ending should be joined to the beginning making the course of itself stable.” The end of my denial and the beginning of sobriety are joined together. I can’t have one without the other. Darkness and Light. Joy and Sorrow. 

My addiction in and my sobriety are joined together and interlocked with my birth in God’s blessings and my return to God’s blessing. With the guidance of my Higher Power I have been returned to the path of blessings and, like the psalmist I can sing, “This is the day the Lord has made, let us be glad and rejoice in it.” “All things seek to return to their own path, and all things rejoice in coming back to their nature. The only law over things is that the ending should be joined to the beginning making the course of itself stable.”

Séamus D,

New Orleans