He came in about 5 minutes before our Serenity Prayer opening. Standing in the doorway, he paused and looked around. Our noon group included the usual recovering alcoholics and druggies, each seeking some good ol’ AA Fellowship. Looking like he was satisfied he’d be OK, he found a seat at the edge of the group, took off his top coat and, carefully folding it and his paisley scarf, putting them on the empty chair next to him. When the group was asked for any first-timers to stand and give “us your name so we can welcome you after the meeting,” he appeared startled, as though he didn’t expect to have to announce to a bunch of drunks and addicts who he was ... but, finally standing, he mumbled his name, “Ron or Jon,” something like that, and quickly sat down and in doing so, knocked his top coat on the floor. He seemed rattled by all of this as he fussed with his coat, checking to see if his car keys were still there, carefully brushing off the coat and paisley scarf.
The Chair asked for a topic for discussion and someone spoke up: “We have a new person. Let’s talk about what brought us here.” “Ron or Jon,” seemed bothered, probably suddenly thinking he would have to address the group. Folks started to talk in response to the topic, sharing their own reactions to their first meeting. Ron/ Jon seemed to be listening.
After the normal close with the Lord’s Prayer, I went over, shook his hand and welcomed him. Very quickly, he mumbled something about a sick wife at home, with that, he turned, put on his top coat, paisley scarf, and left, but he stopped and turned, saying, “Thanks, I’ll be back.”
Driving home, I did feel we might see him again. I thought back to my own “first meeting.” Scared? no, I think a better word was “anxious.” I was hurting and felt little, no that’s not right, no self-respect. My entrance that time came when I’d decided I’d had enough. I’d tried quitting by myself but failed every time. I thought back to a couple folks I had worked with—well-to-do, no loss of job or spouse, no alienation of kids, nice vacations to neat places 2 or 3 times a year. It didn’t seem that Ron/Jon had really felt pressure from those he’d hurt to do something about his drinking. But even so, something inside had invited him to attend a meeting.
Often, it seems before one enters the Program and really makes a “go” of it, he will have suffered more losses and inflicted more pain than necessary. It’s a question of “when” you quit, and in a sense, how much pain do you have to inflict on yourself, family, friends, children, parents, before you seek help. An alcoholic is a selfish person who lives to see how close he can go to the edge of the cliff and the darkness our addiction promises us. Very sad.
Jim A/ Covington, Kentucky: St. X Noon
