“Your worth is not what you have, but who you are.”  Matshona Dhliwayo.

“Seamus, this man collects the trash at my house every Monday. At a time when I thought I was nothing but trash, he picked me up, brought me here, and has taught me everything I know about alcoholism.” This man, I learned, was a rather wealthy individual but now that made no difference. At the door we checked out our last name, our status in society, etc. and we shared one thing in common ‘I’m_______and I’m an alcoholic.”

Once I accepted that I am an alcoholic – which was about four and a half years in the program – I began to learn more about who I am. There is so much more to me than being an alcoholic and yet, without acknowledging this aspect of who I am, I could, again, lose everything I have gained.

When I came into the fellowship, I believed that because of my educational background I was going to be a great asset to the group- a background in theology and counseling. What I eventually learned was that I had to relearn everything I thought I knew.

I sometimes have a quiet laugh as I find myself in places where one’s status in society, their level of education, etc. are the mark of success and who will spend time with you. The real joy is walking into the fellowship, getting a cup of coffee, introducing myself as “I’m Seamus” and that’s all that is needed to be part of a genuine fellowship.

I’m one of those in the fellowship who, periodically, experiences a brief period of depression; a time when I don’t feel like sharing; when I don’t believe I have anything to share, when my self-worth has suddenly gone down the toilet bowl. It is at a time like this I return to Steps one -three; I am powerless, I need help, God help me.

At times like this I revert to my old ideas of self-worth and look at what I don’t have, what I could have had if only…..; and quickly I have a pity party going on in my head. It’s at times like this I have to remember: “Your worth is not what you have, but who you are.”

A few hundred years ago I remember reading. Will the Real Me Please Stand Up and using the contents of that book to apply to others. None of that talk of  “masks” applied to me, I had a healthy self-image, or so I thought. Then God decided she had waited long enough for me to get the message. She pushed me into my boss’s office where I found myself saying, “I think I have a drinking problem.” I didn’t have a drinking problem I knew how to drink. The problem was I had no control over it once I started and the absence of control was due to the absence of self-worth; a hole in my heart that I was attempting to heal with the alcohol and negative behavior which, in a disfigured manner, made me feel good.

Steps four, five, six and seven opened my eyes to my behavior and who I am. That was quite an eye-opener. And even then, I did not get well. I took my sweet time making amends and then I had to live this program on a twenty-four-hour basis seven days a week. ”Seamus, if you’re not living the program you ain’t working the steps” said one of the old timers. It took a while but, in time, I came to realize just how right he was. Learning to live the program on a daily basis and applying it to “all my affairs” opened my eyes to a different me, a ‘me’ I could now live with and enjoy my own company without my companions of Jack, John, Bud, etc.

When I sobered up, I had little to nothing of value. However, I knew I had something no one could take from me – sobriety. That was the turning point for me. Sobriety and serenity was what I unconsciously had been chasing in all the wrong places. Now here it was, a gift, and all I had to do was acknowledge that I am powerless, that my life had become unmanageable, that I need help and ask for it. It is a unique feeling to own nothing and yet to feel I have everything I need – sobriety. That simple and that difficult. Live the program and work the steps.

My worth is no longer based on what I have or had or wish I had. Rather it is based on the maintenance of my spiritual condition- one day at a time. I am sober; I am at peace with self, others and God. What more do I need? Nothing.

Séamus D

Greater New Orleans area