“Figure it out” is not a slogan. In the River where I swim, a beaver swims and lives and plays. I suspect this beaver has a family, yet I see only one beaver ever. I’ve read that beaver build complex structures with many ways in and out so that they always feel safe yet never feel trapped. Historically, I’ve felt as though I emotionally resemble this all too well. This beaver never has to figure out where to go or what to do when the people let their dogs off leash. Beaver swims silently, rapidly against the current into its dam. If a dog (or human) dare follow, Beaver is likely no longer inside and not likely to be found because the way out can’t be figured out. This morning, while I was swimming in the River, rains poured down. Not too long ago in such a situation, my amygdala would have signaled fight-flight-freeze-which one?-all three! Today, the rain poured down on me in the River, and I surfaced, lifted my goggles, and saw Beaver speeding upstream. Beaver wasn’t flipping her lid; “nothing to figure out here!” My cell phone, keys, towel sat on a rock across the River. I couldn’t figure out how to get to them, how to save them from the rain. My car was parked across the River and down the road - windows down. I couldn’t figure out how I would drive home with wet seats or how I’d dry them out. “Figure it out” is not a slogan. “For You alone my soul waits in silence; my hope is from the Beloved. Enfolding me with strength and steadfast love, My faith shall remain firm. In the Silence rests my freedom and my guidance; for You are the Heart of my heart, You speak to me in the Silence.” (Ps. 62, Merrill) Turning from the drink, turning from the pills—these are second nature to me now, yet the emotions linked lie just beneath the surface. Today, when I saw the beaver swimming beside me in the River in the rain, I stopped, took a deep breath, observed the beaver and the River and the rain and myself, and proceeded to swim upstream with the beaver. I left the worries for another time. “Figure it out” is not a slogan; “In the Silence rests my freedom” might be mine. Brandon Beck St Mark’s Episcopal Church, San Marcos TX 22 September 2021
