In AS BILL SEES It, we read; “Honesty with ourselves and others gets us sober, but it is tolerance that keeps us that way” (312). I do not wish to disagree with Bill, but, in today’s world, the world “tolerate” has more negative baggage than perhaps in the past. All too often we tolerate the inappropriate behavior or language of a family member, a friend, a coworker, because we do not want to “start a fuss,” we don’t want to “embarrass them” with a confrontation, privately or otherwise, of their behavior.

It is not helpful to me or another person to be tolerant. People have died -- mentally, emotionally, physically -- because of tolerance of their inappropriate behavior or language. We “put up with” them because, when the person is sober, “he’s a lot of fun. He is really a nice guy. She would be embarrassed if she knew what she did.” And so, we continue the sickness of a secret through our tolerance.

For the life of me, I wonder how people tolerated my behavior; that I celebrated the Eucharist while at least three sheets to the wind and did not remember if I preached or read the gospel. I have been told of many “wonderful services” I celebrated, and I have no memory of them.

As I began to enjoy this life of sobriety and review my past behavior under the influence of alcohol and or other drugs, it fascinated me that my only memory of being confronted was my being told, “Séamus, you’re an alcoholic.” That simple statement, said to me by a person I greatly respected, stuck with me through my drinking and till today. That was the only “confrontation” I can remember. Fortunately, in sobriety, I have learned about aspects of my past negative behavior, and I wonder if I could have been saved some heartache if I had been confronted.

Unfortunately, I have lost those whom I once thought were friends because, out of respect for them, I chose to talk to them about their behavior when they were under the influence of alcohol and or other drugs. They said they appreciated what I told them but said,“it’s none of your business.” It was my business as their behavior was embarrassing to me and others. Out of respect for them I spoke to them in private and they chose, as I probably did, to ignore it.

When I reviewed my fourth step, I felt embarrassed and wondered “Why was nothing said to me at the time? Why was my inappropriate behavior tolerated?  Did they not care enough about me to confront me? I also had to consider the possibility of being confronted, and I have no memory of it. Was my behavior and my attitudes tolerated in a way that I would not tolerate in another? When I got around to doing a fourth step, I had not lost a home, a car, or employment, etc. What I came to grips with was that what I had lost was something more valuable - my values. It was sickening to look at that fourth step and wonder how I had gotten away with such behavior. I felt embarrassed at the thought of others being aware of my behavior and remaining silent.

I too am guilty of tolerating inappropriate behavior for a variety of excuses but no good reason. As I see it, I did not have enough respect for myself or the other to have a conversation with the individual and then give then the space to consider what they might choose to do.

When I tolerate inappropriate behavior or language, I put up with it; I endure it; I stomach it (and if I do that long enough, I get ulcers). When I respect another, I admire them; I hold them in esteem, I have a high opinion of them.

Today, I have to take a deeper look at why I may tolerate the behavior of another. Or will I risk losing that person because I respect them and I am willing to lose them by telling them something they may need to hear but do not want to hear it? All of this, to me, gives a new meaning to “I’ll be there for you.”