Recently I was reading Psalm 33 and I was struck by these verses; “There is no king who can be saved by a mighty army; a strong man is not delivered by his great strength. Look, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear [love] him [Her] on those who wait upon his [her] love.”

I did not have “a mighty army” but I had a lot of excuses and rationalizations as to why I was not an addict, that “I can handle this,” that “I’m not like those who have to go to meetings,” that “I can take it or leave it.” Ah, yes! What power! I would have laughed loudly if I had read that alcohol was “cunning, baffling, powerful.” It’s only alcohol, it can’t control my mind, it doesn’t affect how I think or behave. If you think alcohol controls your mind, then you must have a very weak mind.

I don’t think of myself as being powerful. I know that I get what I want when I want it. That’s not power. That’s just knowing what I want and going after it. That’s real strength. If I don’t do that, people will walk all over me and I’m not going to let that happen.

So much for my power and control. A strong nudge from God and then a second nudge – moments before an intervention happened – landed me in treatment, still in denial, and attempting to use my “charm and the luck of the Irish” to get by with a lot of methane gas. Fortunately, the assigned therapist was trained in the detection of such gas and stopping it before it contaminated the surrounding community.

It was humiliating to learn that, for all my perceived strength and control that I was at the other end of a leash controlled by Jack Daniels and friends. It was embarrassing to learn that I could not handle my drinking on my own. It was mortifying, as I began my third fourth step to come to grips with the emotional and moral destruction caused by my lack of control over Jack Daniels and friends. So much for being a strong person, having a strong willpower.

“A strong man is not delivered by his great strength.” My belief in my strength resulted in a four-and a half year dry drunk as I tried to work the program “my way.” I didn’t need a sponsor. I didn’t need to call on anyone. I could figure out life on my own. With my background in counseling and theology I was going to be a great resource to “these people.”

Prior to treatment I had never lost a job, always had a roof over my head, and had transportation. All of these were indicators that I was not an alcoholic. Within the next five years I had four different employers. Something was seriously missing in my life. I did what I thought I was supposed to do; I went to church; to meetings; read the Big Book; but did not have a sponsor.

My problem lay in the fact that I read the Big Book and went to meetings for all the wrong reasons. I read the book so that I could memorize lines to misquote at my next meeting. I went to meetings so that I would look good to my boss; to share my knowledge, etc.

What hooked me into recovery was how I was treated at meetings. I was encouraged to help set up before the meeting. I was encouraged to stay afterward and clean up. I began to like what I was seeing in these men and women who were “happy, joyous and free.”

It wasn’t until I had the experience of declaring bankruptcy that I had my spiritual awakening. In fact, as I look back on it, the financial bankruptcy was but a symbol of my own emotional/spiritual/moral bankruptcy. I came to grips that I had something no one could take from me – my sobriety. If I had sobriety then, perhaps I am an alcoholic and, if so, then I am powerless.

“Look, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear [love] him [Her] on those who wait upon his [Her] love.” The eye of the Lord came to me through the love, compassion, and friendship of people in recovery and a couple of men who sponsored me into what I then fell in love with: serenity, a power greater than myself, peace of mind. Today, my strength lies in the “maintenance of my spiritual condition” and for that I need to live the program, work the steps, share my experience, strength, and hope, and “walk humbly with my god – my Higher Power.