My daughter and I were as close as any mother and daughter could be.  Therapists would say we were co-dependent. We probably were. I was a single mother for most of her growing up and sober since she was 2 ½. Her dad was a good father and we shared custody well.

In my early sobriety, Rachel taught me many things that I needed to learn to stay sober. Some included not worrying so much (she thought that was silly) and asking for help easily whenever she needed help. I often thought she was teaching me more than I was teaching her. I even wrote a book about what she taught me – God Shots: Memories and Lessons, A life in Recovery.

Our perhaps too close relationship continued though her college years and beyond. She married and had a great job and I noticed that she needed to be separate more and more. That is totally understandable and yet I was not prepared to let go. I wanted to cling to the way we were. When the grandbaby came, I thought I would be there and help daily but that’s not what she wanted. She set boundaries I didn’t like. I thought and kept saying - “I ‘m just trying to help”. Really, I wasn’t listening to her and how she wanted to be a parent.

In my home, two gifts from Rachel were very special to me. One was a ceramic leaf plate that she had made in grade school, and one was an icon of Mary that she brought me from a trip to Turkey she had taken.  One month both of those gifts fell and broke within weeks of each other. I was heartbroken and it seemed that they were saying to me that our relationship was broken for good. I kept the pieces that broke and tried not to think about them.

While doing a tenth step sometime later I had to admit that I owed my daughter an amends. I needed to apologize for the intrusive ways I had been acting and for not respecting her boundaries. Slowly, we have forged a new relationship. Not all of it is to my liking but I have learned that I want to know and love my daughter for who she is now, not for the little girl who needed my help so often.

I learned about the Japanese technique Kintsugi, where broken porcelain is visibly repaired with gold. The repair is a symbol and showed that the brokenness was still there, but it had been repaired with gold so that the break would be honored and acknowledge.

I bought a kit to learn Kintsugi. I used it to repair the gifts my daughter had given me, and I had broken. They remind me of the healing that has happened through my willingness to admit may part, make amends, and change my behavior as a living amends. The pieces are more beautiful to me now than they were before. That which was broken can be healed and remembered without forgetting.

Libbie S.