Stay in the Light is the title of A.M. Shine’s second novel. It was a warning found on the wall of a house in which some folks were trapped by “The Watchers” —the title of his first novel. It was ‘the light” which protected those trapped by some evil power. I’m not one for horror books and definitely not Stephen King, but these two books, given to me by my son, set in Ireland, intrigued me. The protagonist, Mina, realizes that the power of “the Watchers” is growing and it is up to her to convince people that they are real.

What has a horror novel got to do with my addiction? I did not think about it till I looked at jacket of this second book with its upturned bird cage and the words, “You may have escaped…but you’ll never be free.”

Looking back on my life I realize I was in that bird cage from the day I was conceived and born, the youngest of a family of five, into a functioning dysfunctional family system where power lay in the hands of one person addicted to religion and work.

I escaped. I was the scapegoat and the class clown. I got away with most things and was blamed for more—both at school and home. It was not that I was caught, but rather I was highly suspected for more than I actually did. I wore it as a badge of honor. “I escaped...but not free.” I escaped by lying with a straight face; by protecting those who would then become my enablers.

Long before I took my first sip of alcohol, I was already on the path to addiction. I lived life on the edge and loved it. I pushed the envelope, took risks, challenged authority, and all with the external innocence of an altar boy.

Like the folks in the novel, I was moving into the forest totally unaware that the wilderness to which I was becoming attracted was controlling me not the other way around. Like alcohol and other substances, this darkness was “cunning, baffling, powerful.”

Early in the story, Mina is asked by her friend Ciara, “Do you even know where you are?” to which she replies, “No idea.” I was more like Poo Bear who said “I’m not lost. I’m right here.

Mina was arrested and in jail. She asked the guard, “Can I not leave this cell for a while? I actually will go mad if I’m locked up here for much longer.” I remember being at one of those after-meetings and I complained about the speaker—who came from a nearby jail to tell his story. I had heard it before. “All he talks about is his feelings” I said to the chairperson over a cup of coffee in an after-meeting meeting.  “Séamus,” he said, “that man is more free in jail than you are walking the streets. You wouldn’t know a feeling if it sat on your lap.”

He didn’t say “Stay in the Light,” but he might as well have. He shone a light into a world I had avoided, rather well, I thought, but now it was opening, and I was made aware of the danger of the darkness in which I lived. Like Mina, I wanted out “for a while” without realizing the danger.

“Stay in the Light.” “Hang with the winners.” “Do the next right thing.”  Simple and simplistic cliches, and yet these are the backbone of recovery. They were what I needed to memorize and then put into practice.         

“Stay in the Light.” One of the results of staying in the Light is that it makes clear my Character defects which I have to face, acknowledge, and then ask my Higher Power to help me remove.

“Stay in the Light.” “If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it…Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change…We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.”

My son shared these two books with me “The Watchers” and “Stay in the Light.” Neither of us expected that I would find in them a parallel to my life. As I reflected on the phrase “Stay in the Light” I realized just how much of a horror story was my own life.

The book says: “You may have escaped…but you’ll never be free.” I know I will never be free of the disease, but, today, I am happy, joy filled and free. One day at a time.

Séamus D.
Séamus D is a semi-retired Episcopal priest in the new Orleans area.