In the gospel of John, we read, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and the one who fears has not been made perfect in love.” Obviously, I did not understand Love. I had failed miserably in love. In the words of that old song: “Looking for love in all the wrong places.” “I’ll drink to that” I said as my insides turned, and I downed another whatever it was I was drinking at the time. No one would ever love me. I didn’t love myself. If I died no one would miss me.

“Perfect love drives out fear.” How is one to experience anything like perfect love when God is in your head telling you statements to the effect: you’re a failure, you couldn’t keep the commandments, you are a hypocrite, when I take you out, you’re not getting into heaven.

On the other hand, I could talk a good talk about God, a loving merciful God, a kind and generous God who is love itself, who sent Jesus to show us how to love and he did it perfectly. Jesus was, after all, the face of God on earth. Much as I wanted to imitate Jesus, I was not the face of god on earth.

“Fear has to do with punishment.” Oh yes. And I needed to be punished. I lived with fear. It ate me up. I couldn’t get on an airplane without saying the act of contrition between seven and ten times. And, while doing so, filling my glass with whiskey and looking around to see if there was a priest on the plane. I was being punished alright. Nothing in my life was going the way I thought it was supposed to go. And I was raised to think either god told me to do it or the devil made me do it. Nothing, therefore, was my responsibility. I was completely irresponsible and, with friends like Jack Daniels, it was easy to be irresponsible.

"The one who fears has not been made perfect in love." The only thing perfect about me, I believed, was a perfect j _ _ _ a_ _. What is love anyway? I read books by a man called “Dr. Love’ and it all seems so simple, simplistic. Love your neighbor as yourself. Fifty percent of marriages were ending in divorce. Young people were living together rather than risk marriage. Second marriages were terminating at a rate of about seventy percent. Where can one find perfect love?

I didn’t know it then, but this God that I was so afraid of was actually the one who was saving my hide. It was God/my Higher Power, who had been pushing me into people in the fellowship of AA. It was God who pushed me into my boss’s office to admit I had a drinking problem; who helped me open up – a little – in order to get out of treatment; and it was God who guided me with people who loved me enough to keep me – if not sober - at least not drinking for almost five years. Then it happened.

I experienced a spiritual awakening and what an awakening that was. I found courage to take an honest inventory of myself, to do an honest fourth and fifth step, to make amends and was open to hear of things I did not know I had done while under the influence of my many alcohol friends like John Jameison.

God. A Higher Power. A Power greater than myself that restored me to sanity. No doubt I was insane. A power greater than myself whose love was and is perfect. God is Love, St John says, and I began to understand.

Unconditional Love, Trust, Forgiveness was and is what God offered and continues to offer. "There is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear." Fear has to do with punishment, and the one who fears has not been made perfect in love. What is there to be afraid of when I know that no matter what happens to me, God is with me. I’m not perfect but I know I am getter stronger as I increase my conscious awareness of God through prayer and meditation – talk and listen – and I am available to share my experience, strength and hope with those who need it. God’s love is that perfect Love.

Séamus D
Séamus D is an active retired Episcopal priest in New Orleans.