In her book Sage Sayings and Slogans, Isabella C.* writes, “‘The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.’ I remember how very irritating it was to discover that I had made hefty contributions to most, if not all, of my problems. I still find it annoying! My most challenging relationships were troublesome because I was in them.’”

I love that first line, “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” I can remember a few of those “firsts” when I had to admit: I am an alcoholic, I am angry, I am jealous, I make mistakes, I am scared. “You made me…”

For too long I was “perfect.” I never made mistakes—other people didn’t understand me, other people made me do it, say it. It was all “their fault.” I never had a blackout. I just didn’t remember everything because I was overworked and underpaid. I would never drive drunk—I just didn’t remember how I got home.

I was in the hall for a youth club meeting in Dublin, Ireland, when a few men came in. We struck up a conversation, and they invited me to the meeting upstairs. I assumed—yes, assumed—they were members of the Knights of Columbus or one of the church associations. I sat in the back, then realized I was in one of those “AA meetings.” I sweated through the whole meeting. I chain-smoked. They were talking about me. I could identify with just about everything everyone shared. At the end, I got out of there and headed for my watering hole—I needed a drink.

It was another ten years before I visited an AA meeting, which I promised my boss I’d attend after telling him I thought I might have a drinking problem. It was another five years before I had a spiritual awakening—that I really am an alcoholic, and if I wanted serenity and sobriety, I needed to work and live the program. Head knowledge was not getting me sober. “I stood at the turning point. Half measures availed me nothing.”

It was the process of the Fourth Step that brought me to my knees. The truth of my past was hitting me with every sentence I wrote down. I felt angry. How could I have done that? Why did I let myself do…say…that? Still in denial, I wanted to blame others, but I could no longer do so. As Isabella wrote, I was discovering “that I had made hefty contributions to most, if not all, of my problems… My most challenging relationships were troublesome because I was in them.”

It wasn’t others I disliked. I didn’t like myself. I was angry with myself. I was scared that others would see me as a phony. Yes, they saw through me—but loved me anyhow.

Then came Step Five: admitting to another human being “the exact nature of my wrongs.” I told this person things I said and did that I’d never tell a therapist or a priest in confession.

Then came the making of amends. In making amends, I learned more truth about myself than I wanted to hear. And yes, it pissed me off. Why did they have to tell me these things? Why couldn’t they have let bygones be bygones? But, like an infection, if I wanted sobriety and serenity, the ghosts had to be let out of the closet, the truth had to be told, and I had to face the person I was under the influence of alcohol. I had to hear the truth of my insane behavior and the reality that my life had become unmanageable.

I continue to be part of my own life. There are days I don’t want to talk to someone, I don’t want to help someone, I don’t want to… But then there’s that annoying statement drilled into my head: “What I see and like in you is also in me. What I see and don’t like in you is also in me—but I don’t want to talk about it.”

Truth be told, that statement is no longer annoying. Thanks to its simplicity and depth, I have learned to laugh and acknowledge I am still growing, and that I never will be perfect until about thirty minutes after I am deceased.

This is the truth that has set me free and helps me enjoy life. I am a spiritual person living a human life filled with all kinds of contradictions—but I can live with them. The truth has set me free and made me smile.

Séamus D
Séamus D is a semi-retired Episcopal priest in the diocese of Louisiana.

*SAGE SAYINGS AND SLOGANS; 365 days of Practical, Pocket Recovery Wisdom. Vol.1 by Isabella C.