Christmas began on or around the first of December and ‘ended” around the sixth of January. The homes I visited at that time had a table along one wall replete with all kinds of alcohol. After all, it was Christmas time, everybody celebrated with a little alcohol, plum cake soaked in rum, cake that could be sucked through a straw. That was Christmas in my twenties. I don’t remember much about the details.

For the years of my life as a priest I celebrated three or four masses on Christmas eve and one on Christmas day. Don’t ask me about them. I don’t remember. I left the active ministry and after that began celebrating Christmas with friends. I don’t remember that either.

Then came that first Christmas when I did not drink. I attended a Christmas dance in a nearby AA hall. The table along the back wall was loaded with drinks and there was not an alcoholic drink among them. All of them wonderful, strange tasting, non-alcoholic drinks. The floor was packed with people dancing and around the wall people were singing, talking, laughing. They were having “a hell of a great party.” I remember it.

I remember who took me to the dance, who dropped me off at home, and the next day – Christmas – I went to a friend’s house for a wonderful Christmas meal, and I remember the fun we had without alcohol.

I had no idea that people could have so much fun without alcohol. I didn’t know that so much fun could be had without alcohol. “If you want what we have then you are ready to take certain steps.” I wanted what they had, and I wanted it badly but not enough to do the hard work of honestly searching within myself for the root cause of the problems over which I drank.

Two, three, four years passed. I enjoyed every Christmas. But something was missing. I was busy working the steps but not living the program. I didn’t understand the need for complete surrender.

“Look at me, a servant of the Lord, be it done to me according to your word.” God’s will not mine. That’s what I was missing. I was still doing things my way, thinking about what I wanted, where I wanted to go, Me, Myself, and I.

It takes a lot of humility to admit that you are powerless, that your life has become unmanageable. Some of it I saw on my own, most of it was told to me and embarrassed the heck out of me. Humility was not one of my virtues. 

“And Mary meditated on all these things in her heart.” For years I had been ruminating. I went over and over the same territory and got nowhere. Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different answer.

Meditation. Stop. Breathe. Relax. I thought I knew a good bit about meditation, and I did, but I was just being silent, not talking, not listening, not present to God, myself or others. Meditation and mindfulness made the difference. Being mindful of God’s presence within me and all around me

I meditated on topics such as pride, envy, jealousy, anger, and doors opened to the dark shadow of who I am, and I did not like it. Meditation brought peace and  balance to my life. Meditation grounded me in the here and now. Meditation provided the path to mindfulness and focusing on being present to God, self and others.

“ to all who received Him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God, who were born…of God.” Meditation and mindfulness brought me full circle to reflect on all the theology I had been taught. I began to see it all from a new perspective. God gave me power. I was “born again” into a new way of thinking, of being and I wanted more of “what we have.”

Recovery was no longer about not drinking. Recovery was about becoming alive in mind and heart and spirit. Recovery opened my mind to understanding myself in my family of origin as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic – in my case, a dry drunk, addicted to work and religion.

As I remember what I can of my past I am grateful to god for those who re-membered me, who took those broken memories and members and assisted in the process of making me whole again. Christmas is once again “A wonder full time of the year.”

Séamus D
Séamus D is a retired Episcopal priest in the La Diocese