“The answers will come if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got….Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of the past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of happy destiny.” *
“The answers will surely come…” Heck, I didn’t know the questions to ask. I didn’t want to be here. I told my boss I’d stop drinking and go to meetings. That’s all I really knew about Alcoholics Anonymous. Oh, and do the steps – whatever that meant. “Fake it till you make it” sounded like a good idea to me. I had no real idea about this disease as it applied to me.
And Fake it I did. What is fascinating about the process of faking it is that it begins to soak in. I got comfortable with the meetings. I shared (superficially), I led meetings. And, in time, I realized that I wanted what they had and I didn’t know how to get it and was too proud to ask.
Then came the day when I had that “ah ha” moment – “I am an alcoholic” and I needed to do the work necessary to become sober, not just a dry drunk. Honesty, Open- mindedness, Willingness. These three were the basic ingredient to sobriety. This meant, I learned, not only working the steps but living them.
As I completed my fourth and fifth steps the answers came to my unspoken questions “Am I really an alcoholic? Was I that bad? Did I say those things?” Memories began to flood my mind; not complete memories but ‘flashes’ of moments that I thought were fun and now I’m seeing in a different light.
Then came the making of Amends and more answers came to unasked questions, and I learned more of my behavior. I was not the person I thought I was. What was happening to me was that I was not owning my behavior and learning to accept myself as a human being who made mistakes which I made under the influence of alcohol and drugs. I was now “cleaning away the wreckage of the past.”
“But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got.” Until now, I did not have peace of mind, I did not have sobriety – I was a dry drunk. Not being able to do this on my own, my only choice – if I wanted what they had – was to listen to the good advice, to the direction for living sober, offered as a suggestion by Bill because the experience of the early AA members was that this is what worked for them. Abandon, let go, trust and all will be well. I reconnected with the loving God whom I experienced in earlier years.
“We shall be with you in the fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.” I never met any of those who co-founded Alcoholics Anonymous or were part of the early growth of the Fellowship. And yet, I feel their presence when I read our “Big Book.” They are here with me in Spirit. At times I can hear Bill read the book to me.
I prefer the word “hike” to the word ‘trudge.” I loved to hike in the woods, take in the sounds, and smells, and watch for the variety of life that makes the woods a living sacred place.
To hike the Road of Happy Destiny is, for me, today, to work the steps, to live the program, to immerse myself in the Fellowship, and to give thanks for this gift of life on a daily basis.
Séamus D
Séamus D is a semi-retired episcopal priest in New Orleans diocese.
*ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS. 3rd Edition. 164
